Final Day 21 Operation Household

Jinnia, I am so excited to see you have finished the experiment. I am interested in the outcome of your experiment so much that I would like to use your experiment in my paper. I have had a hard time remembering to be positive when Aunt flow came to visit this past week, my experiment has suffered…lol. Overall, I have found being positive accomplishes far more than any negativity in my household. This only proves scripture as you also mentioned, the power of life and death is in the tongue. We need to be reminded to be positive and to love each other..no wonder God took drastic measures to get our attention! Thank you so much for doing this experiment with me! Blessings to you In Christ, Terra =)

I love these beautiful and affirming statements to your family!

Very cool, I look forward to reading your paper & poem! Did you attach it here as a link? Let me know where to look, since I can't seem to find it. Thanks!!!

I thought I attached it on this email…hmmm… I'll copy and paste:)

Positive Feedback Experiment

For this assignment, we were to give five compliments to one person in our lives each day for twenty one days and then report our observations. I had a hard time choosing one person in my family so I chose all three.
This experiment is based on the behavior theory of operant conditioning. When positive words are used in the training of our children it encourages positive behavior. This positive reinforcement is ultimately the best way to teach our children. There are other ways such as the negative reinforcement which is when a negative punishment results as the desired behavior. There is the punishment theory that is traditional in many homes which is when a negative behavior is shown and a negative punishment is given. This does not show good results. When punishment happens, the child is most likely to focus in on what he has done wrong rather than what he has done right and it creates low self esteem and in addition the child may forget the lesson that is being taught. Another way is response cost, which is when a negative response happens as a natural result when the negative behavior is expressed. An example would be, a child does not eat supper and then feels hungry and unhappy. Finally, extinction never works because there is zero consequence for bad behavior. The child never learns. These behavior theories are applied with training animals and adults. For example, punishment is how our prison system works. I found this punishment theory unreliable for achieving desired results in my children’s training.
I was raised in a home with punishment. As a child, I was spanked when I did wrong and sent to my room as an adolescent. I heard a lot of yelling not only as a way of punishment but between my parents. At age 21 I had my first child and 24 when I had my second child. I wish I would have understood the positive feedback system when I began training up my children. Instead, I expressed to them the same acts of punishment that were handed to me as a child. I have thought over the years that there must be a better way to getting the results that I desired and I envied mothers whom I’ve encountered that seem to talk gently to their children and get positive feedback from them. I suppose as I wrestled with my own childhood and then as an adult not feeling like a complete human being (Maslow’s theory) that I let investigating it out fall by the waste side. Though the past few years I have changed considerably. Shortly after I turned thirty I decided that living with a negative mindset was making me miserable. Also returning to school a few years ago helped my confidence. This positive feedback system experiment came to me just in time.
I found it simple to begin praising my children whenever they expressed good behavior. I began wording my thoughts differently when I wanted them to do something. I noticed my nine year old son’s behavior response first. Whenever we have asked him to do certain things in the past he would respond negatively with whining. Reading is definitely a downer for the little guy. I decided to say to him with excitement, “Let’s do our homework and then we can cuddle up under my warm covers and read together!” He delighted in this. I think he liked the idea that homework and reading meant spending quality time with Mom. This worked much better than saying in a negative tone, “After supper we have to read!” I have made reading sound so bad, no wonder he didn’t want to read!
Getting my twelve year old son to do things has always been easy. I believe this is due to how I expressed the punishment theory when he was a small child. I told him one day how proud I was of him that he comes home and does his homework every day. He said, “Mom, you told me when I was in fourth grade that if I did that I would be successful in life.” I had forgotten I had said that and I was left with the thought that my words have had a huge impact on my son. How much more of an impact can I make with my son by telling him how awesome he is every day? Though, the punishment theory may have shown positive work ethics in my pre-teen I know it has had an impact on his self esteem. He has a hard time making friends and feels he is not good enough. Though, I used punishment with both my sons, my youngest son is a happy little boy and well socialized in third grade. Perhaps when he gets older I will see the results of the punishment theory in him or perhaps not because I intend to use the positive feedback system from here on out. I have a new belief that taking a parenting class should be a pre-requisite for having children.
When I began complimenting my husband his behavior didn’t change to the behavior I so desired but I feel it did have an impact on him. After the second week he seemed to be in a better mood altogether. I spent one entire weekend (Saturday, Sunday and Monday) working double shifts. When Tuesday came he didn’t want to get out of bed. He was depressed. Though he does have depression issues, it left me wondering if my positive presence and compliments helped his mood.
I found it hard to begin complimenting him but after a couple of days it began to feel easier. I have been angry towards him over the years and showed him by distasting myself from him. I noticed mostly that being nice to him and complimenting him helped my attitude towards him get better. I felt closer to him than I have felt in years and more positive about sharing my life with him. Our children have been my main reason for staying married to him. I do not want our children to have to suffer going through the emotions that comes from a divorce. My children’s well-being is most important to me. I am left asking myself, “If their happiness has been so important to me then why have I allowed myself to bring a negative attitude into my household?” Nevertheless, it is never too late to change.
After 21 days of using positive words with my family I noticed an entirely new atmosphere in my home. The children were happy, the birds were singing and even my dog was wagging his little tale more frequently. An ancient proverb from the book of life expresses this experiment perfectly. “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it, eat its fruit.”

Spilt Milk
by Terra Voeks

Why do you love me so much?

I have disappointed you in not becoming all I wanted to become for you.
That I could play a major part in seeing to it that your little wings spread open and fly!

But I, knowing damn well I didn't have the tools to raise you haven't seized the opportunity to learn.
Instead I am impatient and yell and send you messages of confusion, like you could have been a mistake when I became angry over spilt milk.

I love you with all my heart
But I haven't the faintest idea
How
And yet…you love me

My heart aches -
That I am not patient
24-7
That I am not building you up
24-7
That I do not have the energy to play with you
24-7

I try to make it up to you even for a moment when we hug and I kiss you goodnight and I tell you that I love you. Or when I joke around with you and try to make you smile and forget that you may be mad at me. I wonder if these moments are the reason you love me as you do.

I pray one day when you begin to wonder why Mommy was upset over spilt milk that you realize it wasn’t you and that I was broken and my love for you, though imperfect, says more than my soul had allowed.

Yeah…I thought that too. I like to write with blunt honesty to grab people's attention. I submitted a few poems to the national poet society and they denied me…and they said, “Read the stuff we do publish and resubmit”. Well, at this time I write honest upfront stuff…and apparently that is not what they want. So, this is when I decided to move my poems to a blog. In fact, I believe I have that one as well as others posted on my backyard blog in the month of September if you want to read more… Thank you for your compliments, it truly motivates me to write more!!

How is your business going? I am getting excited again about using my creative talents to do what I love to do….put images and words together to glorify God. I believe this is sort of up your alley. AND…I did not know you were a worship leader either! That is SO cool, do you write your own stuff?? I would love to put something together for you to sing!! I have always wanted to do that…thought I love to sing..I never took singing lessons but I would love to see my words glorify God!!

Anyway if I can help w/your business let me know:)
Terra

Your writing definitely grabbed my attention Terra! I love finding the rare gem of vulnerability in people's forms of expression, and I see it in yours. You did the right thing by not changing your style to fit the national poet society, but instead taking it to where you can write authentically and be YOU – who God made you to be. Keep writing, I'll keep reading & commenting!

I think I shared with you how my business has been in re-definition. In fact, being in touch with you has re-ignited the creative things I love to do – but haven't done much of since I've been learning marketing. Now it's time to combine the two and see what exciting things will come of it!

Yes! I'd love to see you putting images and words together to glorify God! I saw the photos you restored on FB, very cool! I used to write songs but haven't for a while now. I have written a few poems here & there, mostly to express the depth of pain I had before. I would love to put music to your words! That would be awesome. Let me know what words you'd like to put to song!

Thank you for offering to help with my business, that means a lot to me I would actually love to get your feedback on my Relational Health Newsletter, and you can subscribe to it from my blog. I appreciate it Terra!